NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties.  Due to 
complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type 
of language will no longer will no longer be tolerated.  However, we do 
realize the importance of staff being able to properly express their 
feelings when communicating with other employees.  With this in mind, 
the Human Resources Department have compiled a list of code phrase
replacements so the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more 
serious co-workers

OLD PHRASE                        NEW PHRASE
------------------------------    ---------------------------------------
No Fucking Way                    I'm fairly sure that is not feasible
You're Fucking kidding            Really, is that true?
Tell someone who gives a fuck     Have you run that past your manager?
No cunt told me                   I haven't been involved in that project
I don't have the fucking time     Perhaps I can work late
Who fucking cares                 Are you sure that's a problem?
Eat shit and die                  You Don't say
Eat shit and die, mother fucker   You Don't say, sir!
Kiss my ass                       So you'd like me to help you?
He's a fucking prick              He's someone insensitive
You haven't got a fucking clue    You could use some more training
This place is fucked              We are a little disorganized today
What sort of fuckwit are you?     You're new here aren't you?
Fuck off, shithead                Well, there you go
You're a fucking wanker           You're my boss, I respect you
Fuck off                          I'll look into it and get back to you
Fuck off, dickhead                I no longer require your assistance
You're a fucking loser            You were unfortunate there.
How the fuck did you get that     Well Done!!!
to work?


We do understand that some less communicative employees who currently use
single or double words may find themselves unable to comply with the new policy.
Hence the Human Resources Dept. have devised a scheme whereby such employees for a
period of four weeks are permitted to use a transitional phrase before going on to
the new phrase...

OLD PHRASE      TRANSITIONAL PHRASE          NEW PHRASE
Fuck            I've fucked up               I appear to have made a mistake
Bollocks        You're a fucking liar        You may have stated a mistruth
Double Bollocks I don't fucking believe you  You HAVE stated a mistruth
Fuck Fuck       I've fucked up again         I appear to have made a double
                                             mistake