Computer One-liners ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <1> Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <2> My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <3> If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <4> My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <5> Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <6> Honey, I Formatted the Kid! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <7> Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <8> Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <9> Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <10> Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <11> Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <12> Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <13> Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <14> Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <15> Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <16> Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <17> Terminal glare: A look that kills... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <18> Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <19> ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <20> Life would be much easier if I had the source code. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <21> Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <22> Managing programmers is like herding cats. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <23> Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <24> Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <25> C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <26> ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <27> "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <28> How do I set my laser printer on stun? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <29> The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <30> "!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <31> "E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <32> "Today's subliminal thought is:" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <33> 'Profanity: the universal programming language' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <34> 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <35> '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <36> Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <37> LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <38> According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <39> C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <40> Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <41> It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <42> RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <43> Computers are only human. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <44> Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <45> I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <46> If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...... About 85% of a GIF. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <47> This time it will surely run. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <48> I just found the last bug. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <49> The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <50> It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <51> Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <52> The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <53> Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <54> On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <55> I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. -Anonymous ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <56> If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <57> "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <58> "Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <59> May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <60> I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <61> I modem, but they grew back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <62> Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <63> Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <64> To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <65> Do you like me for my brain or my baud? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <66> If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <67> Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <68> Memory dump: Amnesia... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <69> Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <70> Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <71> Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <72> WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <73> WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <74> 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <75> SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <76> My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <77> This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <78> God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <79> Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <80> From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <81> Nice computers don't go down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <82> Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <83> AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <84> Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <85> I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <86> CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <87> This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <88> Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <89> Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <90> Programming is an art form that fights back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <91> [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <92> grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <93> "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <94> <-------- The information went data way --------> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <95> All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <96> Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <97> My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <98> My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <99> My computer NEVER cras ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <100> Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <101> Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <102> The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <103> To define recursion, we must first define recursion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ <104> "The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format." CCCP:> format CCCP: /u