Life's Little Lessons-The Woman's Version  
by Mary Mitchell (copyright pending)


MEN

"I like an 'outdoorsy' girl" means that he's really one of those
crotch-scratching overall-wearing, tobacco-juice-spitting no-neck types
called "Bubba" who would throw you into a four-wheeler and take you
jolting up and down over ruts to a place in the woods where there are no
roads, let alone bathrooms, and molest you without a chance of someone
hearing you scream.  If you can't take him out with one blow, don't go.

If he obviously cares more about his car than he does about you, get
out.

If the first thing he wants in the morning is not a cup of coffee but a
shot of whiskey, get out while you can.

If he ever says, "I ain't never met a girl who didn't like…,"  get out
as fast as you can.

If he gets you nothing for your birthday, Christmas, etc., get him the
same thing.

If he says, "I'm going…" instead of, "Let's go…," get out.

If he can't ever give you a straight answer, even to a "yes" or "no"
question, get out fast.

If he says, "I'm tired tonight. I think I'll go right to sleep," for
five days in a row, but he wants to wake you and get romantic on the
sixth day, tell him to go to Hell before you get out.

If you can tell when he's awake because the snoring in the bedroom
stops, and the bathroom noises start, don't expect it to get any better.

Realize early on that there are many things about which he won't have a
clue.  This will help you to avoid situations like, "I was going to buy
you a ring, Honey. What size do you wear?"  It is best not to be cute
and reply, "Same size as my panties."  He has NO idea what that is.

Older family members and friends will try to warn you about boys and
that "I love you" crap.  Believe them.  Sometimes a boy will be creative
and phrase it as, "I need you."  Translated, they both mean, "Take off
your panties."

Almost anything he says early in the relationship means, "Take off your
panties."

If he says, "I love you," early in the relationship, he's just making
noises to SOUND like a caring partner.

When his idea of foreplay is, "Move over," or "Turn over," it's too late
for him.

Much later, after you have already started packing up the household
goods, and perhaps you have thrown his clothes out into the yard, THEN
he will say, "I love you," but he still won't mean it.  Occasionally, he
will get a clue from the sight of the smoke billowing from his burning
clothes.

Never allow him to handle the budget.  It is far too complicated for the
male mind.

Behaving like an ass, being stupid, or just generally acting idiotic, or
being annoying is gender-related.  They can't help it, but they can be
helped…to find the door.

Almost anything you do with an "I'll show him!" attitude will backfire
on you.  That's primarily true because women learn from their mistakes;
men don't.