It's funny that lawyer jokes didn't seem to be so big before the 1980s, though it is certainly true that they were made fun of since Shakespeare. Most lawyers will tell you that not all lawyers are bad. Every profession has its bad apples. So why does the legal profession get people so riled up? Maybe it's because of the money that people complain about losing; it's easier to hate someone that is not only bad, but hurts you in the process. Anyway, these lawyer jokes may offend some, though perhaps not as likely as blonde jokes. Blondes never did anything to hurt anybody. I know a couple attorneys that actually collect these things. But I'm sorry if they do bother you. I can't please everybody. Many Lawyer Jokes (more than 101): Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? A: No. Reply: Good! Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys? A: Professional courtesy. Q: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties? A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces. Q: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? A: His lips begin to move. Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, he'll have the janitor do it. But, you'll get the following bill: The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do. A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way." Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all. Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A: A great place to start. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex? A: Because it's all bad and some is worse. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats. Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A doberman pinscher. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer. A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108." A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet." Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?" Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks? A: Deep down, they're much nicer people. It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands in their own pockets. Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists? A: You can negotiate with terrorists. A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance'. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: how do I tell my fiance' about my brother the lawyer? A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He tells him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist stops and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He again replies that he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist, this time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" The hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off they go. After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitch-hiker exclaims, "This is really something. I've only been a lawyer for five minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing somebody!" NEVADA 1991-1992 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS 1. Any person with a valid Nevada hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may not be used as bait. 3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile, watercraft, or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms. 5. It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or Mercedes dealerships. 7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies "Honest Lawyer." That particular variety is now extinct. Excessive harvesting of other species could dry up the supply of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and forked tongues that efficient dressing of lawyers' carcasses yield. SPECIAL NOTE: There is a $500 bounty on Silver-Tongued Narcotics Dealer-Defenders. No season, no limit A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick. Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? A: Cats keep trying to bury them. Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!" A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made. The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence. A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer. Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won." What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance. A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country." The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12." Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting? Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing. Q: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it? A: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious. Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? A: Stick his bill up his ass. A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor. Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers? A: Skeet. Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer replied, "Sure. Out of what?" Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures? A: Vultures can't take their wing tips off. A2: The vulture eventually lets go. Q: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth? A: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand. Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: "Good morning, your honor." Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight. A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding - my God, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!" A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough." Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny. A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour. A man wanted very badly to see a Broadway play, but it took a year to get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In conversation, he learned that the man was an attorney, and that he had purchased the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the play. The lawyer replied, "Yes, several of those wanted to come, but they're all at my wife's funeral." Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you. Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer? A: An empty suit. There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight. Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper? A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I address the jury, I'll plead for clemency." "Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer!" Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? A: You can make a pet out of the snake. Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth. Q: Why should lawyers always be buried face down? A: If they wake up, they'll start digging. Q: While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein on one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other. Which do you hit first? A: Hussein. Business before pleasure. Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish. The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here." Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant . He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor's brain was $500, a banker's brain was $1500, and a scientist's brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told, "Oh, that's a lawyer's brain - it's never been used!" A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going to jail, but was told by the attorney, "Don't worry - you'll never go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a football? A: You get only three points for kicking a football between the uprights. Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?" The other tiger replied: "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth." Q: Why are there so many lawyers? A: No one would stand in line to see one. Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said, "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts - their mouth and their rears - and those are interchangeable." Q: What's the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. "You're a cheat!" shouted the lawyer's client. "You're a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!" "That's gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I named my new yacht after you." Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies. Q: A lawyer and an IRS agent jump off the Empire State Building at the same time. Who will hit first? A: Who cares? After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized his friend's hand, and said, 'Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp." Q: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig? A: Nothing. There are some things even a drunk pig won't do. You've heard of the car that runs on methane gas from chicken shit? They have made it into a perpetual motion machine by giving free rides to lawyers. A farmer had just bought the best used car he could afford, and he was driving it home. One of the town's lawyers was hitching a ride by the side of the road where his BMW had broken down. The farmer picked him up. Being his usual degrading self, the lawyer asked the farmer, "How do you like this new manure spreader you got here?" The farmer replied, "Don't know yet. You're the first load I've hauled." If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile. Q: What is the difference between a flea and a lawyer? A: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you and is linked with the Black Death. The other is a small insect. A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich. After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?" The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!" A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense." Q: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer? A: She has an extreme craving for baloney. Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of it. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi. A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere." A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress." Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." Q: Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards? A: So they can park in handicapped zones. A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught." Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good. One attorney began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that. The man replied, "Because I can run faster without them." The first lawyer told him, "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrace that lion." The now barefoot attorney told him, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you." Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?" t's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for? Q: What do a baker and an attorney have in common? A: They both enjoy carving up the pie. A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they were unfit for any respectable person to hear!" "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge." A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" the patient asked. "Marry a lawyer," answered the doctor. "It will be the longest six months of your life." Eternity: one lawyer waiting for the other. There is a finite number of physicians that a population of fixed size will support. The same theory holds for teachers and engineers. However, this principle does not seem to apply to lawyers. The more you have, the more you need. Q: You are in a room with Mussolini, Hitler, and the lawyer of your choice. You have a gun, but only two bullets. Which do you shoot? A: The lawyer, twice. Did you hear the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on. She: You just don't care anymore! He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better? She: Like what? He: How about a trip to Europe? She: No. He: What about a new Jaguar? She: No. He: Well, what DO you want? She: A divorce. He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much. The reason that law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, and third-year students take none out - and so knowledge accumulates. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? A: You cry when you cut up an onion. NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars." What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell? Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. One day at the pearly gates, St.Peter met Chief Justice Rehnquist, who was applying for admission. St. Peter looked at his ledger, and then looked back at the Chief Justice and said, "Uh,there's a little problem. It says here that you were Chief Justice of the United States, yet you had very little regard for the Constitution." The Chief Justice looked positively shocked and hurt, and protested, "Oh, no, St. Peter, I've never had any problem with the Constitution--just the amendments!" Several men were drinking in a local tavern, when one decided that he had enough and started for home. He swayed violently as he walked, even though he really hadn't had that much to drink. When one of the newer patrons asked why the man walked that way, he was told that the drinker had been a sailor for 30 years, and still walked as if he was on a ship's deck in heavy weather. The man thought this to be nonsense. He started to make violent pelvic thrusts against the bar as he told his friends, "I've been a lawyer for 35 years, and I don't have to do this when I walk!" Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth? " The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything." A car thief was taken to trial and acquitted. The next day, he was back in court demanding to have his attorney arrested. When the judge asked why he would want such a thing done to the man who had gotten him off, he was told, "But, your Honor - I didn't have the money to pay my attorney's fees, so he went and took the car I stole!" "Some people think about sex all of the time, some people think about sex some of the time, and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers." -Woody Allen The down-on-his-luck attorney was sitting in the bar, nursing his beer. "How's it going?" asked a colleague. "Terrible. I just got evicted from my office. I wrote up the papers myself. Never would have done it if I hadn't needed the money so bad." A man called his lawyer one day to ask a routine question about an ongoing matter with which both parties were familiar. The lawyer gave a quick routine answer, and the entire phone conversation took no more than 60 seconds. The man was understandably a little dismayed to find a bill from the lawyer in his mail a few days later. The bill charged for 1/4 hour of consultation time,the minimum billing increment, at the lawyer's rate of $225 per hour. The client grumbled considerably as he wrote out the check for more than $50. Two weeks later, while out for a walk, the client happened to walk past the lawyer's house. The lawyer was outside, watering his lawn, and waved to the client. The client walked over and said, "Nice day, isn't it? Wait a minute--DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!!" What did the jury think when Charles Manson walked into the courtroom with his lawyer? They lost all respect for Charles Manson.