Fake Warning Labels

 The Washington Post
  May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition

Report from The Washington Post, in which they asked readers to come up with 
absurd warning labels for common products.

We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield 
sun shade --
  Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." 

  We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby outwith bath water. 
(Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant 
as substitute for human companionship. 
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. 
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. 
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:

On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. 
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. 
(Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking 
just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so 
incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, 
begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have 
another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. 
(Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. 
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. 
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. 
(Judith Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. 
(Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. 
(Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been 
found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. 
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it 
for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $ 4.97. 
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a 
paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. 
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. 
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. 
(Patrick G. White, Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express 
or implied. 
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. 
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. 
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. 
(Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked  
buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. 
(John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. 
(Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. 
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. 
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences 
that may be deemed offensive. 
(David Handelsman, Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. 
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last:

On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. 
(Joseph Romm, Washington).

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Now for a few real ones:

In the instruction manual for a window air conditioner I purchased was the following 
warning printed in large black letters.   CAUTION:  Do not drop unit out of window.

Label on packaging of IVs used for lethal injections:  Sanitized, to prevent infections.

Found on the label of a tube of HEMORID for WOMEN..."Do not use this product if you have 
heart disease, high blood pressure, thyroid disease, diabetes or DIFFICULTY IN URINATION 
DUE TO ENLARGED PROSTATE GLAND, unless directed by a physician.

From an insert that came with a curling iron:  "Do not use while asleep."

From the instructions with my microwave: Do not place explosive compounds or flammable 
liquids in oven when in use.

Here are a couple that came with a step van.  If people can't figure these things out without 
being warned, maybe they deserve to be culled from the gene pool.  Can you say, "Gee, you 
don't think lawyers are involved, do you?"  WARNING!!!  Falling from rear bumper while the 
van is in motion could cause injury or death!  Getting hit while lowering the  the sliding 
door could also result in injury or death! 

On a package of spermicidal jelly "Do not ingest orally.  If orally ingested, contact a 
doctor immediately".  Now you just know some idiot spread it on toast and then tried to 
sue the company!

"Erase", a commercial spray product used to remove grafitti, etc. has a section on the 
Warning Label that states: "If you can't read English have these warnings read to you"

Warning sticker inside a CD player...DANGER: Do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.

Printed on both sides of windshield sunscreen ( you know... the cardboard shade you put in 
your windshield while parked in the sun):  WARNING!  DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRIVE WITH SUNSCREEN 
IN PLACE!

A hammer with the warning "Do not strike solid objects" on it.