Some One Liners

 * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
 * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
 * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
 * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
 * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
 * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
 * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
 * I intend to live forever - so far, so good
 * I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
 * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
 * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
 * Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
 * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
 * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
 * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
 * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
 * 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
 * If everything seems to be going well, you've overlooked something.
 * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
 * When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
 * What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 * Energiser Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
 * I poured Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
 * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 * Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
 * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
 * Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
 * OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 * Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
 * I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.