Some Australian One-Liners


* We had a great neighbourhood watch going when I was a kid...until she
  closed her curtains.

* He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated!

* There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him
  for palomino-mony.

* Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks: "So how's the leather
  been lately?"

* The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants
  - it's called 'Arson'.

* Unfortuately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquior
  licence.

* Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

* Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.

* OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?

* Graffiti: Dylexics of the world - untie!

* My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say
  for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.

* My friend so so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants his mail
  forwarded.

* ..He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I know
  who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without using his hands!

* I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Hungry Jack's and
  Pizza Hut.

* I always keep a coathanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my
  keys in the car.

* When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

* To err is human..to really stuff up something up takes a computer.

* Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other
  bastard can find it.

* I can't wait to get really old - then I can actually pick my nose in
  public.

* My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains - he used to tie me
  to the tracks!

* ...And to used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair
  dryers.

* When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to
  ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to
  choose which colour.

* Women! First they marry you for your money....then they divorce you for
  it!

* I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise - she said she'd rather a Tom
  Cruise.

* My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.

* I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last night -
  three times!"

* He's just a bit kinky - only  went through nursing school so he could
  wear white pantyhose.
 
* We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the
  Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the showroom.

* I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I
  think about doing some exercise.

* Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel
  room against his will. Problem was he all alone.

* My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of
  Tuesday's and Friday's.

* You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find your
  husband wearing your bra and panties - and he looks better in them.

* Ugly? She's so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback of Notre
  Dame...without make-up.

* My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I told her
  a flamethrower would be quicker.

* We have a self-cleaning refridgator - she leaves stuff in there so long,
  it eventually crawls out under it's own steam.

* My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings about
  that.

* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words - "Don't
  pick that up, you don't know where it's been".

* He was an unwanted child - his parents gave him plastic bags to play
  with.

* Enough is enough - unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!