Why do married women gain weight while single women don't?

Single women go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. 
Married women go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.

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For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus.  You have the
engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

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Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.

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Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.  Now I catch her in my
pockets.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?  The other replied, Yes I am, I married
the wrong man.

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Married life is very frustrating.  In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens.  In the third year, they both speak and the 
neighbors listen.

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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."  And the wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing:  either the car is new or the wife is.....

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BARTENDER:  I think you've had enough sir.
DRUNK:      I just lost my wife, buddy
BARTENDER:  Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
DRUNK:      It was almost impossible

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This guy goes to a party without his wife.  He hears this other guy say to
his wife pass the sugar, Honey.  and pass the honey, Sugar.  He thinks this
sort of speech is a good idea.  So, the morning when he and 
his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, Pass the bacon, Pig.

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A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags,
I've
won the lottery!"  The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for
cold
or warm weather?"  She says, "Pack'em all, your leaving...."

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A couple came upon a wishing well.  The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.  The husband decided to make a wish, too.  But he
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.  The wife was
stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, "It really works."

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Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let him 
sleep.