What If the Universe Ran On Windows 95?


Tech Support: Hello, this is Microsoft Tech Support. This service costs
$19.95 per minute. Now, what is your name?

God: God.

TS: God? You don't sound like Bill Gates.

God: The other God.

TS: Okay, what's your problem?

God: I just installed Windows 95 Universe Edition...

TS: What kind of system are you running?

God: A Class-A Universe with 4.42 x 10^2321 cubic meters of random-access
     space and an AMD K62 Billion Terahertz Processor

TS: Hmm, Win95 U.E. works best on an Inhell Pentiumgram Processor.

God: Whatever.

TS: Okay, okay, so what's your problem?

God: Last week I uninstalled MacUniverse 5.0 from the system and installed
     Win95 U.E., making sure to send in my registration card. Anyways, I booted
     the system, and .5 nanoseconds after the Big Bang the Universe crashed.

TS: Did you see an error message?

God: Yes, I did. It said "Module GRAVITY has performed an illegal operation
     and will be shut down."

TS: Did you reboot?

God: That's your solution for everything, isn't it? Yes, I did. And the same
     error came up.

TS: This sounds like an intermittent issue. If you'll hold for a few minutes, 
    I'll confer with the Win95 U.E. development team. You may have stumbled 
    on to an insect.

God waits on hold for 2.3 days, listening to background music.

TS: All right, God, we've isolated the problem. Apparently one of the 
    programmers typed in the Gravitational Constant wrong. We've fixed the
    problem, and a Service Pack will be publicly available shortly. We'll have
    to mail it to you, since it's over 2.3 gigabytes in size, and also contains
    the latest version of GalaxyNet Explorer with ActiveHex Technology. Goodbye.

God receives and installs the Service Pack, and boots the Universe. He sees:

Booting Windows 95 Universe Edition Service Pack 323a.
(C) Microsoft Empire, 2032.  All rights reserved in the
United Microsoft Empire and other insignificant nations.

Registry error.
The Registry is corrupt.  System halted.  Please re-install.

"Damn!" God shouts. "That's it! I'm installing SlackUniverse Linux!"