BOTCHED CRIMES

 1.  A man broke into an opticians in Chester.  Being very short-
     sighted he removed his glasses while he prised open the till.  
     When he left, he put on the wrong pair of glasses, couldn't 
     see very well, fell down the  stairs and broke his ankle.

 2.  To set up an insurance scam to get his car replaced, a Norwich 
     man visited his local police station and told them that his car 
     had been stolen  from outside his office.  His details were taken 
     down and later on a policeman turned up at his house to tell him 
     that his car had been found.  The man had driven to the police 
     station to report the "theft" and had left his car in their car 
     park.

 3.  An unemployed lad from York planned to rob his own bank branch.  
     When he shouted out his demands from behind his disguise, he 
     heard a  familiar voice asking "Michael, Michael, is that you?"  
     His mother worked there part-time and happened to be on duty that 
     day.

 4.  A customs official stoppd a German golfer at Dover.  Out of 
     interest the official asked the man what his handicap was.  He 
     replied, "I  don't have one, I am quite fit".  The official asked, 
     "How many birdies are you  planning to shoot?" Reply  "None, I hate 
     blood sports"  So the official twigged this man knew nothing about 
     golf, searched his bag and found class A drugs stowed away.

 5.  A driver pulled into a petrol station filled up and then sped off
     without paying.  To avoid being identified, he had squirted foam 
     over his  number plates.  Unfortunately the speed at which he drove 
     away caused the  foam to be blown off thus revealing his number 
     plates to all and sundry.

 6.  A lottery fraudster thought he could hit the jackpot by playing
     last week's winning numbers, ripping the date section off the
     top and replacing  it with one from his previous week's ticket.  
     He was rumbled when lottery staff spotted adhesive tape sticking 
     the sections together.  On his  arrest, he blamed his dog for 
     eating the two tickets and causing the confusion.

 7.  An old woman in Newport Wales was petrified when a youth grabbed
     her handbag as she stood in a bus queue.  However when he ran 
     away he smacked straight into the bus stop sign.  Fellow queuers 
     held him down (quite easily as he was barely concious) and waited 
     for the police.

 8.  A criminal in Edinburgh took his dog with him when commiting
     crimes.  On one occasion he left his mutt behind in his haste to 
     escape and although it didn't have a name tag the dog's sense of 
     direction led the police to the burglars house.

 9.  During a bank raid in Manchester the robber wrote a note instructing
     staff to hand over the money.  The note was written on the back of a
     letter.  His name and address was on the other side.

10.  A Birmingham man was pulled over for speeding and then tried to
     bribe the officer with some cigarettes.  It didn't work and as the 
     policeman prepared to book him for speeding and bribery he noticed 
     the back seat was loaded up with cartons of cigarettes.  Back at the 
     station the man admitted to raiding a local off-licence.