Oh, Canada!

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova 
Scotia?  
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians 
were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
 
Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
 
What's the difference between a Torontonian and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
 
Why did the Newfie want Quebec to separate?
He wanted to be closer to Ontario.
 
When a Canadian thinks of Hell he wonders what the heating 
bill must be.
 
At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so he can examine 
your caulking and get the name of your weatherstripping man.
 
A Canadian woman burns her bra only if she's out of wood.
 
A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when 
snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
 
A Canadian woman doesn't worry if her shoes fit her feet as 
long as  they fit in the plastic bag she carries them in from 
October to April.
 
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six 
months of poor snowmobiling.
 
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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into 
a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.  
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints.
 
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American 
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as 
if nothing had happened.  The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink 
and started shaking  it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT 
OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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The first question an Albertan asked the tour guide, when they 
approached the Eiffel Tower, was "How many barrels a day does it pump?"
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A Canadian was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying 
the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When 
asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool."
 
 " Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
 
 "True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service 
for some pepper.
 
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
 
"Toilet pepper!"
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On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students 
to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. 
But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.   
At home he told his Dad how well he had  done.  Dad told him,  "That's 
because you are from Newfoundland, son." 

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite 
the alphabet.  Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake,  
but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing 
only the letter "m".  

That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained 
to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.  
Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed 
overly "well-endowed". This confused him.  That night, he asked his Dad, 
"Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than 
theirs.  Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"  

"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.  
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them 
died before they arrived.  Just as they were about to put the toe tag on 
the American, he stirred and opened his yes.  Astonished, the doctors and 
nurses present asked him what happened.
 
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a 
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing 
at the gates of heaven.  St. Peter approached us and said that we were 
all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to 
the earth.  So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, 
and 
the next thing I knew I was back here."
 
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the 
other two?"
 
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the 
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."