Topical Humor from March 2, 1998

The Russian space station Mir just turned 12 years old, and it's kind of 
sad ...according to the Blue Book, the best you can get for it now is an 
'89 Ford Fiesta.

A former shopping mall Santa Claus sobbed and said he was "Satan" after 
he was sentenced to 26 1/2 years in prison for molesting four young 
children. What is it going to take in this society before we learn that 
spelling matters!

Princess Diana's will bequeathing her $34 million estate is to be made 
public next week. A body double will be used to demonstrate "the finger" 
which Diana left to Queen Elizabeth.

Pamela Lee has filed for divorce from her abusive husband, but rocker 
Tommy Lee has filed for custody of "the twins."

Scientists are intrigued but also somewhat alarmed by a mysterious 
increase in the number of 1-to-3-foot meteors suddenly hitting the Earth. 
Leading automakers declared the development as "yet another reason to buy 
Sport Utility Vehicles."

Killer tornadoes that swept across central Florida last week have caused 
Universal Studios to postpone opening its new "Twister" ride. In similar 
news, the recent White House scandal has caused the Hoover vacuum company 
to delay introduction of its new "Presidential Series" featuring "intern-
strength power and control."

On this day in 1927, Babe Ruth became the highest-paid player in baseball 
with a $70,000 annual three-year contract. Today, this is approximately 
what it costs to buy a Baby Ruth.

According to a new survey, nearly 30% of Americans say they would be less 
nervous about going to the dentist if they were put under. Apparently, all 
that fondling relaxes them.

The biggest selling children's book of all time, 1942's 'The Poky Little
Puppy,' will get a new series from Golden Books. The updated series will 
be "Poke Puppy Pup" and the first book "That's What I'm Barkin' 'Bout."

On this day in 1968, Peggy Fleming won her third world skating championship 
in a row. Even today, she is the most famous women's skater not to have been 
involved in a plot to whack another skater's knees off.

A new report alleges that money raised from the public to pay Paula Jones' 
legal bills is going to a to the direct-mail firm that helped her raise the 
funds, but not to her attorneys. The budget line item "hair care products" 
alone is in the six figures.

USA Today reported Howard Stern may go head to head with 'Saturday Night 
Live' this fall in a new CBS-distributed show. In homes with a "V-Chip" 
installed, watching the Stern show will cause your television to simply 
explode.

The White House is complaining about GOP conservatives blocking what would 
be the first openly gay U.S. ambassador, James Hormel to Luxembourg. As a 
compromise, Republicans are suggesting he be appointed Ambassador to another 
foreign country: San Fancisco.