In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor


WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, celebrities in the
news, Chinese, Hollywoodies and postal workers.


According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have sex as often
as 100 times a day. In fact, at 103 times a day, the other animals stop
calling him "King of the Jungle" and start calling him "President of
the United States."

A judge threw out Paula Jones' lawsuit against Bill Clinton. This means
that OJ Simpson is the second luckiest man in America. (Letterman)

In fact, Clinton is so lucky... if he were on the Titanic, the iceburg
would have sunk.

Jones' lawyers are considering an appeal, as are all late night
comedians. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

An 11 year old girl has published a study proving that touch therapy -
making oneself feel better by the "laying on of hands" - doesn't work.
When George Michael heard this, he said, "Great! Now she tells me!"

A new study by the National Institutes of Health says men and women
react differently to painkillers. Give them both the same painkiller
and it might not be effective. That's why I stopped taking Midol. I get
bloated. (Leno)

According to another study, managers are twice as likely to die from a
heart attack immediately after firing an employee than at any other
time, except for Postal Service managers They're just twice as likely
to die.

After hanging upside down for four hours in an airplane caught on power
lines in Seattle, a pilot was removed with the help of a cherry picker.
After the ordeal, the pilot was cited for not returning his plane to
its full upright position.

About 360 boxes of acne medication was stolen from a pharmacy in
Singapore. Police are looking for three suspects who go by Hanson.
(O'Brien)

Sea World has lost track of the released JJ The Whale, but next week,
JJ will be reunited with her parents on a very special Jerry Springer.

China says it wants to start putting people in space. Not to explore,
just to get rid of them.

Can you imagine what it will be like for the younger astronauts on John
Glenn's upcoming spaceflight? "In my day we didn't have a fancy
shuttle... we had to mix our own Tang by hand... Turn that radio down!
I had to spacewalk five miles through meteor showers every day... You
kids today, you land the shuttle on airstrips... we had to land in the
middle of the ocean..." (Leno)

Lorena Bobbitt was acquitted of punching her mom over family bills. You
can't blame her mom for calling the cops. When Lorena threatens to cut
you off, she really means it!

A man in New York City chained his bike to a tree and was sentenced to
hug, kiss and apologize to the tree. I think I'll chain myself to Cindy
Crawford. (Leno)

Marge Schott, who owns baseball's Cincinnati Reds, is recovering from
hip surgery. She took a spill on her driveway last week, further
injuring her hip, which had become weakened over the years by Schott's
habit of putting her foot in her mouth.

The zipper is 105 years old! Before the zipper was invented, people had
to knock twice as long before entering the Oval Office.

Michael Jackson and his wife named their new baby girl Paris, because
that's where the baby was conceived. That and it's a lot easier to
spell than "In Vitro".

According to a survey, a woman is more likely than a man to give
another driver the finger, except on Hollywood Boulevard, where a woman
driver is more likely to BE a woman. (Leno)

Hollywood is planning a remake of the classic film, Psycho. In the new
version, after Norman Bates slashes his victims, Johnnie Cochran gets
him off the charge.

Next year, filming of the hit TV show The X-Files will move to Los
Angeles. The show will feature some changes - to find altered beings,
aliens and strange phenomenon, Mulder and Scully will just drive down
Hollywood Boulevard.

Former Milli Vanilli singer Rob Pilatus died in Germany. In keeping
with his last wishes, the priest lip-synched the eulogy.

And finally, feminist Bella Abzub died at the age of 77. In Lieu of
flowers, mourners were asked to send burned bras. (Daily Scoop)