- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
 
- Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
 
- Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyways.
 
- If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
 
- No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
 
- Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
 
- If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool
  who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
 
- If you don't die from it- - it is healthy.
 
- If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
 
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
 
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
 
- Duct tape is like the force- - there is a light and a dark side and it
  holds the universe together
 
- There are three kinds of people- - those who can count and those who
 can't.
 
- It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he
  found out.
 
- Since blue and white are the international sign for handicapped, what
  does that say about the Iowa license plates?
 
- My homework is like a juicy steak- - rarely done.
 
- There are two kinds of pedestrians- - the quick and the dead.
 
- If Elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his
  coffin.
 
- Life is sexually transmitted.
 
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
 
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 
- If at first you don't succeed- - give up!  No use being a damn fool.
 
- Falling in love is awfully simple.  Falling out of love is simply awful.
 
- All things being equal, you lose.
 
- You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people
  some of the time, but you can't fool mom.
 
- No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.
 
- You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
 
- Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
 
- Everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
 
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you