The Top 16 Signs You Won't be Pictured on a Box of Wheaties

16.  The only thing that stops the wheezing these days is another 
     box of Thin Mints.

15.  After picking your nose on camera, you smiled and deadpanned,
     "Mmmmm... Breakfast of Champions."

14.  The media has just dubbed you "The Skatin' Rapist."

13.  Although you do it "Fast, Higher, Farther", the particular solo 
     activity at which you excel is hardly considered a sport.

12.  Though you're a fine hockey player, your scar-to-teeth ratio is
     about 5:1

11.  Sure, they could airbrush out the Swastika on your forehead, but 
     everyone would still know.

10.  Prison-issue orange would mix with the background to make you just 
     a spooky floating head.

 9.  Right after winning gold, you yell into the camera, "I'm going to  
     Hooters!"

 8.  The box don't say "Breakfast of Lardasses," Chester.

 7.  Corporate bastards always discriminate against guys with large breasts.

 6.  Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions.  You: Champion of Breakfasts.

 5.  Your dumbass hippy parents named you "Rice Krispies" Bitonawicz.

 4.  A month ago, you had a chance -- but now, after this Monica Lewinsky  
     thing, NO WAY!

 3.  Your urine sample had seeds in it.

 2.  You arrive at the photo shoot still crying from the asskicking  Scott 
     Hamilton gave you.

and the Number 1 Sign You Won't be Pictured on a Box of Wheaties...

 1.  Your fat Sumo ass wouldn't fit on a *case*,  much less a box.