Puns for The Ides of March

After Stalin died, he was succeeded by Beria. Shortly after his appointment 
as leader of the Soviet Union, Beria was assaassinated. The assassinator 
shouted as he shot the Premier, .... "I came to seize Beria, not to praise him."

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'Twas the fourteenth of March and Brutus and the boys were discussing their 
planned political statement for the following day. Cassius the Anorexic wanted 
to use Greek fire, which had been recently reinvented Brutus, however, favored 
the traditional Roman short-sword as the weapon of choice. He stood and 
addressed his co-conspirators, "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, Lend me 
your ears. I come to parry Caesar, not to braise him!"

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Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground equipment at 
Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch trees. Said 
one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for those rusty old 
slides." Remarked the second, "Yes, .... you must beware the slides of Larch!"

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During the time of Cleopatra, giving flowers to women as a token of affection had 
not become customary, yet. Instead, men used to make gifts of food to the objects 
of their love and desire. This was, on the whole, much more sensible. One 
particularly poor laborer was amazed one day to find a berry that was more round, 
more colorful, and in every way more perfect than any berry he had ever seen. He 
plucked it, and took it home to his wife. The wife was so amazed at the perfection 
of this berry that she chose not to eat it, and instead took it around and showed it 
to her friends. Word spread, and soon people were coming from all over the land to 
see this magnificent fruit. The poor laborer and his wife soon became rather wealthy 
by charging people admission to view the berry. Such was its beauty that lines formed 
outside of the laborer's house day andnight with people waiting to pay for the privilege 
of viewing an example of nature's perfection. It was not very long before word of this 
reached the Queen, herself. Being a jealous woman, she did not consider it proper that 
she, the Queen, should be deprived of this perfect berry, and she sent a squadron of 
soldiers to retrieve it and bring it to her. 

It was very late at night when the soldiers arrived at the laborer's house. They pounded 
on the door. "Go away, we're closed for the day", shouted the laborer from his bed. 

"We have come for the berry", the centurion called back. 

"Come back tomorrow, there's no more viewing of the berry tonight", shouted the 
laborer, beginning to lose his patience.

"You don't understand", called the centurion... "We come to seize your berry, not 
to praise it.

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Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found a buyer for his 
oldest bull Ceasar. This new owner happened to be the rancher's closest neighbor, 
who lived on the other side of the valley accross the river. "Men," the rancher said to 
his cowhands, "It's time to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river". 

So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river. They were about to put him 
on the boat to take him across, when the rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise 
Caesar, said with a tear in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his 
favorite meadow?" 

The other hands said, "Sure", and led him just off the riverbank for a snack. Well, with 
the day as nice as it was, all of the hands took a quick nap. Four hours later, the rancher 
saw that the bull was still on his property and ran down into the valley. He shouted and 
cursed at the men to wake them up. Once everyone was standing, he said that the beast 
should have been across the river long ago. .... 

"In fact, we've come to ferry Ceasar, not to graze him!"