Bits & Pieces


The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second
day you're off it.  - Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

I have a daughter who goes to SMU.  She could've gone to UCLA here in
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Shecky
Greene

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.  - Fred Allen

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened
criminals.- Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure...  Now I don't know if
your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, butit's sure
gonna put a stop to siphoning.   - Billie Holliday

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts "I wanna
know your name" - Mike Binder

Advertising  The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it.
- Stephen Leacock

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluestone

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -
Steve Bluestone

Everything is drive-through.  In California they even have a burial
service called Jump-In-The-Box.
- Wil Shriner

Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy  No pain, no pain. - Carol
Leifer

I wold love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair
under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in
business. - Shelley Berman

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next
morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -
Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many
lawyers? - Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.  I wish I could. It's
like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay
Leno

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers

Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. - George Gobel

To do is to be.       -Descartes
To be is to do.       -Voltaire
Do be do be do.     -Frank Sinatra

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written
in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

"If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg



Thanks to Mary Campbell