Quick Quotes

First guy (proudly):  "My wife's an angel!"  
The second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive"

A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly
spend.  A successful woman is one who can find that man.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men.  The other 999 are followers
of women.

Here's good news for bald heads.  They say:  "God made perfect heads." Those
that were not -- he covered them with hair.

Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the
final masterpiece.

Every man should have a hobby but make sure your wife doesn't know about her.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing:  either the car is new or the wife.

Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks.  After that
people will be nice to you.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shinning and
wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Bank accounts are like toothpaste:  easy to take out but hard to put back.

The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes
and then send the bill to her husband.


QUIPS & QUOTES

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But
when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! --Steve
Bluestone

Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?  --George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
 --Ellen DeGeneres

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.  --Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair under
my arms instead.  --Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.  --Carol Leifer

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people.  --Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day
you're off it.  --Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The girl
at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"  --Jay Leno

I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:  "I wanna
know your name..."  --Mike Binder

Advertising:  The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it.  --Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.  --Roger Simon

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.  --Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave
Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
 --George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.  --Billiam Coronel